I love this photo of Brandy and me.
What the heart has once known, it shall never forget. ~Author unknown
Have you ever wondered what it is like to feel an immense amount of sadness? A powerful angry sadness? If you haven't, that's what it feels like when someone close to you dies. Somebody extraordinary. Someone so amazing that no amount of words will ever suffice.
Going through that is hard. It is almost like torture. You want to scream but you don't want sympathy. So you hold it in and that makes the situation a whole lot worse. You want to be brave for the others around. Especially those you love. At least that was how I felt when I lost the most incredible person in my life, my Aunty Laura.
I remember the day that my Mum told me. I came back from a week in Sydney and I had worked all week - my first job! I was so excited. I remember standing in the kitchen and telling Mum all about it and she said, "I have something to tell you." From the look on her face I knew that it could not have been good news and the first thought that came to my head was that the dog had died. Never could I imagine anything so heart wrenching as to what she told me next. I remember the tears form pools in my eyes and I bit my lip, looking down at the ground. I asked her all these questions before racing to my room, turning on the music up loud and sobbing while I unpacked my bag - trying to gain some sense of normality. Dad came in and took me into his arms and I sobbed into his shoulder. It was the first time I remember when I really cried infront of him. I always tried to be so brave infront of him.
I couldn't bring myself to call Nana and talk to her. It took me about an hour and to this day, I am not quite sure why. I didn't know what I was going to say I think, although I am not quite sure. I remember sitting infront of the fire, curled up in a blanket, the sobbing had stopped and silent tears fell down my face for hours.
Despite the sixteen-year age gap between Laura and I, we were more than Aunty and Niece, we were so much closer than that. We understood each other. We would always have so much fun together, being very mischievous. Always laughing and bursting into tremendous fits of giggles at any given time. They would most likely be over nothing. Maybe just laughing at a stranger or a funny face or a really lame joke.
Towards the end, I knew that Laura wasn't happy. However, every time that she saw me, she never once faltered or wiped that contagious grin off her face with her gorgeous dimples that her beautiful son Brandan was fortunate to inherit.
Laura was so vibrant and happy. Enthusiastic and fun. She was such a beautiful person and I don't think any words could describe how much so.
I read at her funeral and it was so hard. They called my name and I sat there, my whole body had frozen. I couldn't get up and read infron of all these people when I couldn't even control my own voice, choked from the crying. Thank goodness for Cassie who took my hand and led me up there - I don't think she knew how brave she really was. I stood infront of everyone and read:
Laura, I miss you so very much. I miss your hugs, hearing your voice and your giggly laugh. I look forward to the time when we see each other again. I love you forever always.
I haven't done this before - written to you on here, but these last few weeks have been extra hard for me and I'm not sure why. I just seem to be thinking about you a lot and maybe this way I might feel close to you. It's worth a try I guess.
I just had this thought the other of day of when we went to Civic with Nan. And you weren't feeling to good so you got a coke out of the vending machine and we sat on the bench near Target and watched the crowd! Of how horrible we were! We sat there and nit-picked at people for the slightest thing (cause we were so perfect ourselves! Haha.) No but it was so funny! I remember it wasn't long after you cut your hair short and you were wearing a white dress that came down to your knees (I think maybe Nana has it now :P). But its just those little things that I miss. The simple thing and I'm sure thats what everyone else thinks.
Oh Brandy has turned into a little spunk rat! All my friends are looking at photos of him and saying things and I'm like awkward! Hehe.
Anyway its getting late, time for bed.
Bye bye for now
Love and miss you